Some Suggestions for Your Mobile Dating App

 Since I last used any dating app, it's been a while since I was seen or heard from. It may not be obvious from my healthy relationship, nonsexy sleepwear, and shared toilet habits but I have been on many dating apps in my time.

The slightly (3 lbs) heavier and more makeupless remains of Tinderella are what you see. I was the queen of swiping. I was also queen of disappointment, sore thumbs, and hearing "I just want to let you know that I'm not looking right now for any thing."

I even met my boyfriend/roommate/butt-touching partner on Tinder- but that took a lot of digging on multiple platforms. Even though we realized that we had matched previously on Bumble, nothing happened that day because I was too lazy to initiate a conversation. Sorry, babe.

It was a science. I was able to identify which apps worked and which ones didn't. I knew what to say, how to play it, and which pictures would be most popular. Although quantity was not my main goal, it sure felt good to have that much attention.

Today, I'd like to share some of this with you. To the singles, who have cramped hands, and the tech gods, who clutch our horny fates in their clammy fingers like an ergonomic mouse.

App-selection tips for singles. Yes, I will skip the part where you argue about whether it's good or bad for dating. But this time, I get to swipe around for someone with dark hair, a good body, and not my dad selling me to his old neighbor, two cottages down, for goats and peatmos.

Everybody has a dating app. App components are part of websites. My ex-boyfriend was working on a dating app development with a friend from college. He didn't like me, and a programmer from India who was charging $5 per hour to animated a heart-shaped Arrow. Dating apps are now a thing. If you don't like it you can join the rest of the holier-than-thou geezers sharing that cartoon about people falling into manholes while looking at their phones from the last working Blockbuster.

But, we were where? Ah, yes, Fantastic Apps - Where to Find Them.

(Sorry Jo. But if I hadn't made the joke first, Vivid sure would have been shit.

Bumble:

Although I enjoy the idea of a man being unable to speak to me before I consider him worthy, it also feels like many of those men are stock photos from back when Abercrombie and Fitch still had dicks. I'm also not a fan the time limit. Sometimes, I find it difficult to get out of the anxiety trap I fall into when I think about speaking with an attractive man within 24 hours. After 18 hours, I still think about all the ways that I could possibly make him his mother.

Match:

So many dads! Are you missing an AYSO soccer match in West Covina?

Happn:

This is cool. If I wanted to go out on a date with someone staring at me in the subway, I would just go with the homeless man trying to lick my face. He's honest about it.

OkCupid:

This app is great for finding men who are looking to meet you and telling you about the fistfights that they had in Downtown Disney. I would rate this app 10/10 for lonely serial killers.

Hinge:

Ok, I understand that you want to rebrand but you are missing the point with dating apps. I don't want friends to be friends. Why is every mutual friend a kid named Ben (if they went to Milliken High School) or Matt, if they went to Loyola High School), who has "just finished up" at USC with an MBA in Film Management? Is everyone just a duplicate? Hinge makes it difficult for me to think clearly and is a problem.

Coffee meets bagel

This is the app equivalent to closing your cafe door and going home. You realize that one man has been sitting there for an hour while you were closing it down.

Tinder:

Tinder is my favorite app. It is like a debt to me. My lease is proof that Tinder is more than just another way for men to be horrible (though they do try, God bless them). To find the one keeper, I had to swipe my way through the Los Angeles dating scene.

Tinder is great but Tinder (and all the other apps) could do with some tweaks.

It's not a huge one. It's quite simple, I believe. This is actually what I wrote to each app that I had deactivated after I made my facebook-offish relationship official.

Filters, guys. Filters are essential.

Not just age filters. I don't want to see any men under 6'. I'm not looking for guys who love dogs and have never said "You're different from other girls". You can do it if they can make fake dragon dongs in the shadows of internet. I believe in you.

You can even have me do it. I'll personally create all the filters that I wish I had when I was single.

Filters for toggles:

Raiders fans

Men named Edgar

Actors

"Actors"

Men who wait until they are in remote villages in Switzerland to ask "Is that okay?" Because I did."

Men who wait until they are in remote villages in Switzerland before saying, "So I'm returning to nursing school next spring and I'm not certain if I will be in a position to strike up a relationship."

I've heard from dudes who think a first date story is acceptable. They tell me stories about how they bargained with a Las Vegas masseuse to have a "Happy Ending".

Men named "Devin", Devyn", Devan", Devan", Devaugn, "Defaahn" and any other variations therein. Devon is an English province. It is pronounced "Devuhn" and has its very own Wikipedia page. This level of boonery is unjustifiable. Your actions only make my life more difficult.

Men who have the same surname as their male relatives.

Bicyclists who are too proud to ride

Faux-Woke Bros

Sliding Scale Filters:

Slider scale: "Men with traditional name deliberately spelled incorrectly" from 'Shawn to 'Jefri

Slider scale of acceptable tattoos: "High-quality portraits of culturally significant designs" to "half finished stick-and-poke portraits of Baphomet, taken from the week that he read the Satanic Bible".

Photographers have a scale that ranges from "Is legitimately compensated to photograph weddings and lookbooks" up to "photographs sickly looking redheads spread-eagle at their dirty Palms apartment using a disposable camera."